DEC 5, A sad day, simply

Dec 5

SONG IN THE PLAYER "ITŚ YOUR LOVE, TIM MCGRAW".


Dont know how to start write this day
I feel confused, I dont know what I feel (100%)
I dont know why I am where I am emotionally today
I dont know what is happening at all, I have partly lost control
I like it but I dont like it.

Thereś a big wrong in me, I am too kind and I maybe also am I naiv.

ALL I ever have done is to search love in my life, nothing else, but it seems like I dont get anything back at all. I have loved two men the last two years, where one of them have been the main. All I seems to get back is negatives, at least from people who does not think we fit together at all. So today I dont know what I want. I dont have the power to fight against the mass all the time...

I am looking for a reality go any further, men must be present and to consider it as a natural relation it must be a commitment between. I can`t and I dont have power to live a life where I am standing in between all things. There has never been any other men, meaning anything to me, but these two ones.

One gave me a chance for a while, but when I did never understand what to do, something happened. I wrote him songs, I wrote about him, I wrote poems, I did what I could.. The other one (Mr Dance original, with the golden eyes and the smile I cant forget) he just disappeared, and I never had any chance to explain, to say what I needed to say to him, at least what I wanted to say....to feel good and to be able to go further, or let go as friends. I am in between all, and I really really loved that night at the dance floor. I liked him more than I ever could know. Maybe I did a wrong choice 2010 but dont blame me, I have also forgiven him for being so strange to me, I have written about him on my website, I have really tried to reach him, just to say what I need to say. I am so sad today.

I dont understand what I do wrong in life, I have raised, I have started to believe again, I have lost weight, I have tried it all. I am so sad, I cant do more.

Right now folks, I am walking the lonely peopleś street, I am not afraid but I dont deserve it, simply....I deserve more, and I have so much to give, so much love to share. I am sure, I know me, the real me, and noone else does.

What more could I have done for these two...? I dont know.

All my family are following me in this, I talked to my mum today, and she said it again...as last year, go there, maybe he will come to dance with you again. I dont have the hope for it anymore, not until I see it for real. The same with the other one...he is not present. Thats the wrong.

DEDICATING this song to them both, because I am really hurting....try to understand that my feelings is real, this is no joke.
Faith Hill - It Matters To Me



A sad day, simply
(With hope of a better day tomorrow....)
A short walk anyway in the snow today....=)
Sivan